I am working on many personal things right now. Without going into exact detail and without putting them all down like a "pity me" list, I will put them all under an umbrella statement: "My Journey to Self-Forgiveness ." I have thought in the past that it is easiest to forgive others such as friends and acquaintances and even family (though forgiving family has been complicated for me at times). Now, I recently discovered, that all others are easiest to forgive and that the most difficult forgiveness is of myself. Many wonderful experiences and people fill my past and memories; yet, with the amazing and joyful moments come hurtful ones, most unintentional, but equally damaging to my sense of who I am in the present moment.
Many may read this and think "how can this be!?! She's amazing and blah, blah, blah." Not to undermine the compliments or the perception others have of me, but, in case it wasn't known, I am human. I carry emotions in my own way; most physically as a result of my non-confrontational, afraid-to-feel-or-cry-in-front-of-anyone persona I have acquired through certain experiences. The truth I have discovered: this is not healthy. At all. I am working on releasing many negative things and I have seen a great improvement mentally, physically and spiritually--greater BALANCE, greater peace and I can turn off my mind and JUST BE. It's in those moments Spirit to spirit conversations occur; I come to know more about my true self, which I plan to discover my whole life.
I have made many positive and very effective changes in my life. I am constantly discovering new ways to take care of my body, my mind and my spirit. These three things, that I believe make up my true self, need a healthy balance just as my time needs a healthy balance. To create a healthier body I started a vegetarian diet several months ago. I physically feel stronger and have learned to control my eating habits in a more effective and positive way. I have also started an exercise regimen; nothing too extensive, mainly I focus on being active at least once a day. I haven't really set many goals for myself other than to GET MOVING. My physical progress has been at my own speed and in my own time (which I know is the Lord's timing for me at this time in my life).
Having a healthier body has opened my mind to new understanding and knowledge (see D&C 89) and I am more aware of inspiration as it enters into my soul. These have become a catalyst for greater growth and confidence.
One hard thing for me to do is to not compare: not to compare myself to anyone around me, anyone at the gym, family members, and especially not to what I once was like. I love my body now and am grateful for what it has accomplished, especially in the past year and I have a beautiful daughter to show for it!
I am being the change I want to see in my world. It starts with me. So, yes I may be selfish about a few things for a while until I find my balance (don't worry I do not neglect the wife and mother aspects of my life).
I am beautiful. I am at peace with myself. I learn more about my true self everyday. I forgive myself everyday. I love myself. I find balance in every moment.
Kristie
I love it! I love when someone is so candid and honest in the blogging world. For a while there, I was very down and out and I realized it was because I was reading blogs and comparing myself to anyone and everyone. Then I found and article that put it in perspective for me. But reguardless, thank you for being REAL on your blog.
ReplyDeleteReally, I think that becoming a mother or motherhood does this to us. Cause while I was pregnant and after I had Addie, it began to discover things about myself that I didn't like and really its a slow process of changing. And just like you said, everyday you can discover something new about you or anything for that matter. My mantra's lately have been "don't be so hard on yourself" and "compare not"
Anyway, thanks and I can't wait to read more!
What a great entry for your blog. I love knowing that others have these challenges too and that I am not alone. Why do we compare ourselves so much? We are all so amazing! You especially, though and I thank Heavenly Father that my brother saw that and found you and recognized your "amazingness". And that you thought he was pretty cool too. :) We are so lucky to have you in our family. I really love you and my daughter thinks you are the coolest aunt ever and the only "Utah Mormon" that she likes. Hahahaha.
ReplyDeleteGood for you Kristie! I am still trying to figure things out 49 years later. Don't ever feel guilty about putting yourself first sometimes, because that just makes you a better wife and mother to them(easier said than done, right).
ReplyDeleteWe as women are so easy to judge each other and ourselves. I realized a few months ago that the only person I should try to become like is Christ.
So many women seem like they have it all together but I really doubt they do. I appreciate your honesty and always remember that each day is a NEW ONE, that is such a special gift from God, that we can wake up every day and start fresh.
Love ya!
Kristie, funny that you post this, or maybe not funny at all - I am going through the same process right now. I'm trying to "love myself healthy" as Kellie puts it. Those affirmations that you put at the end of your post are very similar to the ones I say to myself daily. It's really amazing to me how the thoughts and feelings we entertain can totally influence our body, our attitude, and the way we react to everything...both bad and good. I'm working to create a better balance in my life as well.
ReplyDeleteGood for you Kristie!!! Keep up the good work and thanks for posting about this. (BTW, you should post a couple of good vegetarian recipes that you really like. I'd love to try them out!)